Not for Parental Consumption. An Ode to the Sexes; Women Are from Venus and Men Are from F**k Knows Where

Warning: if you are related to me, I suggest you skip this post. 

A connoisseur of matters of the heart, you’ll no doubt notice my recurrent theme of the flailings and also the failings of men. The feminist within me wants to discuss more important issues, but here we are yet again; you have to write what you know, and my friends and I have certainly known some idiots. Equally, as a woman I am able to discuss our own detrimental points, including the things I know are probably bad because I have done them tenfold, and I will readily admit we are all batshit crazy. It’s all about balance in these debates;
but guys you don’t do yourselves many favours.

Now please don’t assume I am against the male species, yes on occasion I have been let down, but I am not a man hater, I am very much the opposite and I love love. I am an active, fully fledged, card-carrying member of the heterosexual party, who in a relationship setting is most certainly and avidly not opposed to the intimate nature of things that are not for sharing on the ol’ blogosphere. Being a member elevates me to a position within straight sexual politics, whereby I can address male misgivings so you all may go forth, prosper, become decent human beings and stop messing with us glorious females. Though as a member of this tit-powered community, I am available for all presentations of the cray, explanations of the recommended sexual standard, and advice on what we really mean when we say ‘its fine’;
FYI it’s not fine.

As a side note I am positive that a lot of you are already lovely, perfect gents and some just ruin it for the others.
Spoil-sports.
It is also worth pointing out here in the name of fairness, that also some women are in fact arseholes. They want your attention, your wallet and not much else; these chicks deserve a mountain of STI’s.

This isn’t a personal matter, this is gender wide. So, below I’ll be addressing some of the more notoriously known issues we all tend to bring to the table in a single/dating scenario, realising we are all as bad as each other, and that a little honesty/common sense goes a long way toward stable relationships, an equilibrium of happiness and probability of any future sexual contact.
Enjoy.

 Dear men,

I’d like to begin by saying on behalf of all single womankind, in a clear and concise statement which is open to no valid interpretation and with no fine print attached:
We do not like, or want to receive dick pics.
Sadly for you all and also for us as the recipient, there is absolutely nothing attractive about that particular appendage (not that I am saying we have exceptionally eye-catching parts of the anatomy ourselves) I can tell you now, the general reaction to these photos is a facial expression of confusion/repulsion and therefore deletion. Pubic hair is deeply disturbing when you’re at lunch. In most scenarios we pass it on to our friends to laugh at, and we also have the power to forward it on to your lovely shepherd’s-pie-making grandmother if you are rude to us. Granted some women love a good dick pic, but those women also love casual bouts of herpes.
So Hun; ain’t no filter making that dick…pic better.

I get a vast stream of conversation from my female friends covering all bases and aspects of life, yes, we are women so we talk all the time about every single thing that you do, and if you haven’t realised that yet then just give up now. A relentless subject is what stupid thing the man they are seeing/speaking to has done. A flurry of activity, and the reason for the constant increase in wine sales, men never falter with acts of sheer stupidity based in an ability to just not think.
Guys, your brain is in your skull; not dangling off your dick in a locket.

Granted, a lot of you understand the way the female mind works and I do know decent men exist. But for some reason you’re not keeping it up for periods of time, or otherwise letting the rest of your gender species know about it. Much like the rule book you keep secret from women, there is a divide, and to conquer you have to share the information gained in order to win the battle, the battle of the sexes or indeed the battle of the sex.

So, the male species. The antagonizers of females, the keepers of our sanity, the thieves of our belief in the elusive decent man, the ball owners, the caveman specialities, the loves of our lives and the despair of our souls and vaginas;
Here are some things for you to think about if you ever want to be touched by a woman ever again:

  1. The presumed entitlement of male game-playing is not something that a woman looks for in a prospective partner, nor are laziness, selfishness or lies. We are women, we find everything out.
  2. You have emotion, we have emotion, express one iota of it and you will get laid. Express something really deep and profound and we might even consider the elusive non-birthday blowjob.
  3. Women will text like they speak; men text like they have had a stroke.
  4. We may not all be compatible, but one of us will ultimately be the mother of your future children, and we as women will stick together. Think of it as a review of behaviour on trip advisor; bad reviews get around.
  5. We may love you, but we love ourselves first. We are not your mothers, we do not have to stick around.
  6. We are not a prized pigs, grope us and we will blow the proverbial whistle; and definitely not much else.
  7. If you are horrible to us, we will screen shot your message, send it to every female friend we have, who will keep it forever, to be held against you at a later date.
  8. Respect and also honesty go a long way. The sooner you all learn that one, the better.

These facts don’t take a genius to work out. Being a good person isn’t something that should take work to achieve, and not acting like you received blunt force trauma to the brain recently is always an option available to you all. I cannot always speak for all women, but I am of the opinion that life is too short to fuck about whilst men are busy doing their kegel exercises. These may be harsh and blunt points, but lads, we know they are true and you know it too. Do you know whats easier than being a twat? Not being one.

You are all capable of being such great men, with the ability to make us feel like the only woman in the world to you, and to give the chance of being actually drama free and happy together. Love is pretty darn great. Women can be your friends, but we can also be your worst enemies. If you find one you actually like, possibly even love, I suggest you tell her, be honest, be loyal, and be respectful; and you will be rewarded in more ways than one. Your lives would be so much easier; not to mention your phone bills, future receding hairlines and how big we tell our friends you really are.
Inches disappear pretty quickly when girls are annoyed, and we tell our friends everything.

From me, to you all,
One woman in a sea of extraordinary ladies who deserve the very best.

Dear women,

We cray.
Like cray-cray.
There is no doubt about it. Yeah some of us may act like the coolest people; those girls probably have extra long limbs to help strut that coolness about. Some of us on the other hand project our feelings through text explosions and cheese toasties. We may not all want to admit it, but we do dream in a happily ever after. Maybe not always in traditional prince charming terms, but everyone just wants to be happy and secure in the end.
Ladies, security is not found in his ex-girlfriends- best friends- cousins- sisters Facebook page.

We as women are notorious for our abilities to over think, overreact, overcompensate and overspend, I can’t speak for the male population, but I feel like they aren’t all at the pub analysing a one word text message for 3 hours, and assuming your relationship is over when he says ‘its fine’:
for guys it actually is fine.

I am always going to be on the side of my gender, we are female bosses who hold the keys to the vagina and therefore we hold the power. We too share the abilities to make the same mistakes as listed previously, beside many more. We can be bitches. There is however one major point I would like to state and give forth to my fellow goddesses, so we can all consider ourselves and our situations for the better. Men have the power to bring us up and also to bring us down, or consequently our brains do, and therefore its up to us.
So we need to become secure in ourselves before we have a chance of letting someone else into that equation or into our vaginas.

  1. We need to chill our shit.

Enough said.

Blessed,

M. x

 

This week:

Stevie Nicks- Edge of Seventeen
Giulia Y Los Tellerani- Barcelona
The Who- Love Reign O’er Me
Blackstreet/ Dr Dre/ Queen Pen- No Diggity
Edith Piaf- Padam Padam
David Bowie- Rebel Rebel
Lily Allen- Hard Out Here
Led Zeppelin- Ramble On

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